Local Headlines

The Millpond Chronicle has been faithfully reporting on this town since 1808 - through plagues, disappearances, unexplained phenomena, and the occasional human-sized raccoon. Below you'll find a selection of headlines pulled from the Chronicle's archives, spanning three centuries of local news. Some stories were resolved. Many were not. A few, we strongly advise, are best not dwelt upon.

  • August 4th 1990

    A severed head was found this morning inside a trash can around the back of Drakz Bar. Staff and employees have been questioned, but no eye witnesses were at the scene. Millpond PD are continuing the investigation but the head appears to have been dumped several months prior.

  • March 16th 1923

    The trolley car derailed this morning, seriously injuring 8 passengers, when it entered the first corner 12 mph over the safety limit. Tyne McPherson is being questioned by police, but it is believed he was intoxicated at the time of the disaster.

  • September 17th 1988

    Tiddles the little shit bag, went missing some time in June. Margaret Moynahan said it was very unusual, but with all the other cats that had gone missing in the area recently, she believed Tiddles was finished. That was until her little four legged friend showed up covered in blood and bits of sick.

  • June 12th 2006

    Ernie Humphreys was found in pieces on his lawn chair on Sunday, with clear markings that this was the work of a pack of dogs. Correlation in the victims' past seems to indicate they were the owners who abandoned them years prior.

  • October 18th 1966

    Rich Faulkner enacted a ritual that lead to the summoning of a particularly aggressive demon, and the brutal murder of his family. When questioned by police, he advised he never intended for the outcome, and he loved his family dearly. His motive for the ritual was unsettlingly simple - "I was quite bored".

  • January 4th 1986

    The playground of Millpond Kindergarten is full of the new toy from Gummo, that depicts an unsightly girl covered in warts. Just what excites the children about the toy is unknown to us at the Millpond Chronicle, maybe it's the incredibly realistic skin…

  • January 7th 1986

    Parents are advised to quarantine their children for 2 weeks, and burn any Wart Girls™ due to the outbreak of the skin ailment. An official Gummo representative will visit the town to safely dispose of any remaining Wart Girls™.

  • December 6th 1988

    Leonard Hook, cashier at Foxxon Gas Station, claims to have once again been mugged by a human-sized raccoon. “He takes all my hard earned cash and throws liquor all over me so no one would believe me” He claims. “He even pisses on my pants for good measure”. Leonard is hoping to obtain evidence should it happen again.